So, it’s 20:30 PM. The only light in my living room is the one above the dinner table, and beneath it am I, holding my rocking head with the thumb and index of the left palm. The only noise audible is the thrashing of my dishwasher, some teenagers hanging out under my window, and whatever song spotify’s decided to play this time.

I’ve finished my masters’ degree about two weeks back, which is nice. Been looking forward to it a lot. However I am not free, as in its place, I’ve started doing full-time work at my notoriously horrendous job; 8 hours a day, 5 times a week. I’ve had plans to do stuff after I graduate, but now with this full-time gig I realize I have time for nothing.

I used to regularly go to the gym, work on some side projects, and meet with friends. Now being able to do one of these means I need to give up on the rest, sometimes even leave work early for it. I finish the day already tuckered out (I’ve been a morning bird since forever) and with pretty much no energy to put something with my heart in it.

It’s only been a few weeks, but I’m now sitting on a saturday evening, tipsy from a cocktail I’ve been making with concerning regularity¹, thinking:

Is this it?

Is the post-academic life just “work, sleep, repeat”, with any side-hobbies coming at the cost of sleep?

Or am I just really bad at organizing my time?

Could be the latter. And realistically it probably is that; plenty of 30+s I know can still keep up a fairly active personal life. Then again, most of the people I know also barely cover 6 hours of sleep per day, which would leave me exhausted.

I dunno. Honestly I’m mostly dissapointed at myself for not having time to go to the gym for a while now, and not having time to work on the game I wanted to invest time into post-uni. I’ve needed to take time off of work to get ready for a wedding coming up soon, so I’m also feeling somewhat bad about that. My blood-alcohol can’t be helping.

Yeah. I don’t know. There’s a bunch of stuff that’s been bringing me down recently, whether it’s my weight, lack of romantic prospects, bank account, or aformentioned productivity. I know logically that I’m doing fine in most of these (My weight before was fairly thin, my account’s still got enough to carry me for a few months, etc), but still. Feels like I’m out of a transitionary period, but arrived at a dead end.

I should go to sleep soon, I’m fairly tired.