This post is gonna be less fun than the usual stuff I have here. I’m not planning to directly link it to anyone, but I did need to get this… out there, I suppose. If this is turning you off from reading - entirely reasonable reaction.

I am an inattentive person. I have trouble remembering many basic things, I often don’t listen to the other person during conversation, and if I don’t write down whatever someone told me to do it is not getting done within the next century. I’m not entirely incompetent, I can remember some things and I can put my focus on occassion, but I wouldn’t be able to tell you how or why. I want to say it’s selective focus for the stuff I care for, but even stuff I need to do just escapes my skull.

Either way, the part that bothers me with this ordeal is how it’s affecting others. How it affects me is fine, I’ve managed to live with it for the most part, but it’s this and… well, other unpleasant aspects of my personality that have come up many a times from many different friends. That I don’t listen, that I talk at them rather than with them, that I don’t put as much effort as they do. These things I’ve heard more than once. and more than twice. and more than thrice. Each time a different person, at a different point in my life. All people I thought things were going well with. Evidently, they did not share the sentiment.

I have been trying to improve on those fronts, or atleast I’d like to think I have been. but it keeps coming up. Were it one person I could dismiss it as just being our personalities being incompatible, but to the extent this has occured I think I have quite enough of a peer review to know that these are real issues with who I am. Real issues that don’t go away, despite my best-

best?

my efforts, in whatever capacity they may manifest.

I tell my friends often not to make a decision for someone else about whether or not they should hang out with them. Typically it’s because the friend in question is nervous about reaching out. “Listen, the other person is an adult, and can make their own choices. Reach out to them, and if they regret it, that’s their problem.” That’s the mentality I’ve been working with. As of late, I’m starting to hesitate about how good of an advice this may be. I follow it and I’ve hurt people, again and again. People I care about. People I don’t. But given enough time with me, it happens.

I let relationships falter out instead of keeping them up, I am absentminded in conversation, I forget birthdays and events. I’m the kind of guy who, if I knew someone else was dating them, I’d go “you can do better.” So what makes me so goddamn special?

The title of the post is sarcastic, if you couldn’t tell; I’m sitting here, looking for pity over being an impolite asshole to other people. What a burden to bear. Opening my text editor to write this felt pathetic to a degree. But I gotta get this out there. Or, well, want to. I could totally have just gone to sleep, but this is a rock I want to get off of myself. Not sure if I expect to hear a noise from its landing, but I just need it out.

On the other hand, it could be that today I’m feeling this worse than usual because of other factors. I’m trying to lose weight so I’m eating less along with exercising, so at night I’m hungry and cranky for it. I haven’t left the house much today because of the thunderstorm outside, which was a welcome break from the scorching sun, but either way huffing my own fumes can’t be good for my brain. And also it’s fairly late, I’ve been programming for about 6~ hours straight staring at LED lights and really need to go to bed. Could just be that multiplying a fairly minor worry, but, I don’t think it’s just that.

I’ve been often thinking of cutting contact with friends. Spare them the inevitable heartache.

When my discord account got banned, and I lost contact with so many people, I was a little relieved. Had a good excuse.

I’m going to bed.