A week or so ago, I went to see the Minecraft Movie.

It wasn’t a willing choice; my friends decided we’re going to see the minecraft movie, and whether or not I was part of it was entirely up to me. I thought the movie looked a little shit, but I also saw it as a good excuse to see my pals again and drag them out of their houses, so I agreed to it.

Before I even stepped foot in the theater, another friend of mine told me to drink something before watching the movie. “Is it that bad?” They said it was. So I got a can of belgian beer, shoved it in my backpack, and showed up at the movie theater. If you, for some goddamn reason, decide to also see the minecraft movie - the alcohol is required.

It’s fine, I guess. It’s a kids movie that doesn’t really try to do much and uses the brand name less like a crutch, and more like a prosthetic leg, arm, and heart. There are some moments that show the writers were aware of how dumb the script they were pitching were, but there’s enough moments that the movie just tries and completely misses at being funny, or dramatic, or even heartfelt, that it doesn’t help it all that much.

I’m not the target audience, you don’t need to tell me as much, but goddamnit man kids deserve better than this. You don’t even need to make something for adults; the new Jumanji was very much a kids movie but it was a lot of fun for everyone who went to the theater. The movie’s raking in the big bucks because of what I can only describe as the most bold astroturfing campaign of my entire life (literally just turning random phrases from the movie into a meme, where the meme is… saying. the line. from the movie. unchanged), along with having the IP of one of the most successful video games of the modern day, but this movie was just bad.

My friends really liked it though, so I might just be allergic to fun.

After the movie I assumed we’d go to eat something, but half the group wasn’t really hungry. So instead of going to a halfway decent asian place down the block, we went to a chocolate-themed cafe right next to the theater: Max Brenner. This restaurant was the shit when I was a kid, but as an adult, this place gives me the shits. It’s really tasty don’t get me wrong, but there’s only so much sugar you can shove into your digestive system at once before it starts to fight back. However, I was hungry, and tired, and eating with my eyes. So me and another friend ordered a big sharing meal.

Have you ever eaten something and felt it as it went down your digestive tract? Something really really hot, or really really spicy? Feeling how it burns every nook and cranny down your throat, before plopping down and burning the inner walls of your stomach every time you walk a little funny? It was something like that. Except instead of painful, the ball of chocolate shake, chocolate syrup, waffles, molten chocolate cake, strawberries, and chocolate ice cream was viscous. I could feel it coalese behind my lungs every time I downed another bite of the cavity-inducing nightmare.

As we flagged the waiter for a check and waved eachother goodbye, I could feel it stuck, unable to go past my stomach. As I rode the train back home, I felt it slowly go down my digestive tract, no longer stretching and irritating the inner walls of my stomach. By the time I got off the train and power-walked to my house, my dinner had reached the end of its journey, and was threatening to make an exit.

If there’s anything you take away from this tale, my friends, let it be this - as a kid you wish you could be an adult and eat ice cream and cookies for every meal of the day with none of those annoying parents to stop you. As an adult, you may very well be tempted to try that, but I would heavily advise against it unless you want to go through an experience that will make you want to choke the life out of whoever decided to call it a restroom.